LOVE = DISCIPLINE

So what issue is it that has brought me back to the blogosphere? What burning dilemma had me pick up my laptop in haste? Well... I last night had the dubious fortune to be present as my wife watched a fly-on-the-wall programme tracking the life and times of one Peter Andre; singer, presenter, former wife of Katie Price and ‘Dad of the Year’ in both 2008 and 2010. And it is that last point that engaged my interest. Never mind the lunacy of the Now-reading public making such an arbitrary judgement, nor even why we are applauding one who sets up a TV camera prior to phoning his kids and places them in weekly photo-shoots and documentary’s in order to further his own career. No what has really got my goat is actually the criteria by which people are judging what it is to be a good parent.

For the prosecution I bring before you Case One, from last night’s show. Junior – Andre’s son – was, as usual, misbehaving in the spoilt, petulant manner in which he’s been raised. Charmingly for a 5-year old, Junior replied to an attempted instruction by his father with the televised retort ‘If he tells me that again, I’ll cut his head off’. Peter, upon hearing this, looked very sad and whined back “Junior, why do you say these things? You know it makes me upset”. Junior then hid under a desk, at which his dad apologised to him, in order to entice him back out to reconcile. The scene ended with the two hugging and each saying sorry; the backing music and voiceover made it abundantly clear that this was a happy ending to the scene and an example of the loving hands-on way that Dad of the Year Peter resolves such family issues.

Now I’m not disputing that this chap loves his kids. But WHERE IS THE DISCIPLINE?? Where is the incentive for this child to not threaten to kill his father next time? Where’s the lesson learned? Ultimately it gained him the attention he was seeking, along with an apology and a cuddle to boot. There is a missing stage here – any type of sanction. It’s worrisome because the public, en masse, are praising this approach (I’ve watched more of the programme than I should willingly admit, and this pattern; of rebellion, non-punishment and cuddles is repeated in every episode). Neither is it unique to Peter Andre – we are all too familiar with the US movie/TV staple of the parent who scolds the child, sees the child turn away or run from the room and at once apologises, explaining the true underlying reason for his/her inexcusable hostility. WHERE IS THE DISCIPLINE? Why has it become so unthinkable to upset children? They’re not fragile little dolls – they’re little humans, often characterised by rebellion, cruelty even, and very soon to be a grown-up for many more years than they were a child.

A few provisos – no I’m not a parent, and therefore have little authority on the issue of parenting. But I have been a teacher for 7 years. We pick up the pieces of this widespread syndrome – of the parents who spoil their kids rotten, allow them to treat mum and dad like mates and who know all their rights but none of their responsibilities or obligations. Parents all too often take Little Jonny’s side if he’s accused or sanctioned; they tactily (or overtly) encourage a culture of answering back, questioning every instruction and worsening, by degree, attitudes and behaviours in my, and every, school. Another proviso is that I’m not an arch-disciplinarian as a teacher, and I wouldn’t want to be seen as pretending otherwise. I smile and banter in lessons, encouraging discussion and trying to utilise informal humour. But it’s getting harder to do that, because it requires knowing where the line is, listening to others and treating them with respect. What’s more it’s only possible to do that if kids feel secure in knowing where the boundaries are; that there will be well-established punishments from me if someone behaves in a disruptive and unsettling fashion. Of late, there’s been an increasing number of groups where I have had to resort to the snarl and silence I don’t enjoy. It represents an increase in boys (I have until now taught in all-boys school) who have never learned the discipline required for more productive interaction.

If and when I am a parent I will endeavour to be stricter than many might expect or encourage. Rebellion, at any age, is a conscious decision and has to be acknowledged as such, with consequences attached. Just as with teaching, any sanction promised (‘if you do a, b will happen’) has to be followed through with . Easier said than done? Egg waiting to be landed on my face? Quite possibly... who knows my reality once it happens? But I do know that, were it not for a society that has ruled such things unacceptable, I would certainly tell off other peoples’ kids a lot more, in order to save myself doing it later once they’re a problematic teenager sitting in my classroom! The single most inspiring thing I’ve ever heard in the realm of parenting is from my pastor (whose kids are accordingly a credit) whose no-doubt misquoted approach basically comes down to ‘unmistakeable love, unyielding discipline’. It translates to lots of affection and cuddles every day, but no wrongdoing unpunished! I would suggest that, so long as he remains only half way there, Peter Andre is a less inspiring model to emulate...

PS I have spent some time this weekend with the children of one or two potential readers. Please know this is NO reflection on you and them – just on Peter Andre! In the case of the Bristol-based toddler I had the pleasure of meeting yesterday, the issue of discipline is particularly non-applicable as she behaved like a dream for the entire three hours we were there! The parents are clearly doing something right...